There has been exactly one time in my life when I was the epitome of the Asian female body ideal: at birth, two months early from my scheduled arrival date and clocking in at a scant 4.1 pounds. Yes, perhaps I had peaked too soon. I filled out to an average size as I left infancy and entered childhood, a bit of spastic kid who was often found running amok with my older siblings and our neighborhood pals. We were fed on a steady diet of Korean food and immigrant mom reinterpretations of American delicacies, my favorite being a Spam and egg sandwich; though, a McDonald’s cheeseburger was still my meal of champions for birthdays and special outings.

Then, in the year between first and second grade, home-cooked meals were replaced with a rotating line-up of frozen dinners: Salisbury steak, macaroni and cheese, and other calorie, fat, cholesterol and sodium-laden fare meant for a Hungry Man and, apparently in someone’s estimation, a trio of growing Korean American kids. The buzz and ding of the microwave became all too familiar in my household and opening up cardboard boxes and punching ventilation holes in the tops of our trays with a fork became a quotidian task.

Under the brunt of mental and physical abuse from my father, my mother had left our home to live with her sister on the other side of the country, the only other person she knew in the States. Now parenting alone, my father’s efforts in the domestic arena were indicative of his mental state due to alcoholism. Food became less of a form of nourishment and more of a rote responsibility that should require minimal effort. Fruits and vegetables were never purchased unless in the form of a gelatinous side dish to processed meat and dehydrated mashed potatoes. And as latchkey kids, we had the responsibility of zapping all of our after school snacks and meals until another round of frozen meals were heated for dinner. The disastrous diet and the emotional turmoil of being without our mother and in a complex love/fear relationship with our father set us on a path of steady weight gain and misguided coping mechanisms.

In a year or so when my mother had returned, unable to be separated from her children, I remember being shocked at the sight of cut fruit, of baked potatoes, of pots and pans simmering on the stove. Though the freezer soon thinned of those cardboard boxes, the proverbial damage had already been done to our brains and bellies. Weight loss attempts started early and continued to adulthood, fluctuating by the years and outside of the normal scope of puberty, particularly as our home life remained as volatile as ever. While never reaching obesity, the extra weight we carried was noticeable as we were also marked by our racial characteristics; fat Asian children were simply unheard of, unseen, and unacceptable.

Ironically, our year of processed food binging was never discussed, yet our increasing weights were always fodder for discussion not just from our parents but from other Korean families. There was a collective amnesia surrounding our weight, pounds that had been amassed out of the cultural taboo; talks of family strife, alcoholism, abuse, separation and their consequences were verboten despite their glaring presence. Or perhaps the idea of trauma and self-medication were deemed too clinical or far-fetched to cause even a blip on anyone’s radar. We were overweight and the consensus was “Get smaller.” And when we did drop our weight, at various times throughout our lives and by varying degrees, the response was simply, “Good.” End of story.

Not a year of my life has gone by without a majority of my days spent thinking about my weight in some capacity. I fear looking fat in front of older relatives, I refuse public appearances in swimwear, I am undoubtedly the most clothed women in any bar or nightclub, I furiously un-tag unflattering photos of myself on Facebook, I often wonder at what weight I will become an aesthetically unacceptable companion to my Asian American boyfriend, and against all I believe in, I compare myself to every Asian, white, Black, Latina woman who crosses my path.  Eating unhealthily under emotionally unhealthy circumstances at a critical point in my youth has made it nearly impossible for me to think of my body in healthy terms.

But, I did say “nearly.”

I cannot singlehandedly and immediately change this global perception of how women of my ethnicity or race are supposed to look. And without a terminal illness or severe drug problem (knock on wood), I can’t physically achieve that ideal anyway. I won’t put on false piety and say that there aren’t parts of my body that I wish to shrink or modify, parts that I will go to great lengths to conceal. To say I love all my flaws — and believe it — is a daunting task. And I won’t say it if it’s not true. So, I’ll stick with statements that I can stand by: I cannot realistically ignore the body ideals embedded in Asian/American cultures. I cannot change my past, no matter how old I get or how well I learn to process and cope. And I cannot accept that my weight is not just a skewed numerical measurement of my worth until I allow myself to believe that my body is not some figure to be publicly scrutinized but is a symbol of the life events that have shaped me, life events that I refuse to ignore out of cultural expectation.

Anonymous | Oakland, CA | USA

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Readers, get involved with NEDAwareness Week through Thick Dumpling Skin by just setting aside ten minutes.

How? Easy! 

We’re doing a call for a SPECIAL set of submissions for NEDAwareness Week, which is happening between February 26th to March 3rd, 2012. 

This year’s theme is “Everybody knows Somebody.” So we’d love to see you share something with that someone.

This person could be yourself, a friend, or even a stranger. You can write a letter, conjure up a haiku, or even scribble a picture. We want anything you can come up with that will give that one person encouragement and hope! 

Need some inspiration? Check out PostSecret, or dig up your diary. We all wrote to ourselves at one point in time! Oh and here are some guidelines on how to share responsibly and tips on talking to friends.

Once these submissions start to come in, we’ll be putting them up day by day during the NEDAwareness Week.

If we want to change the status quo, we all have to be willing to be a part of the movement.

Eagerly awaiting YOUR submission.

- Lisa & Lynn

Can’t think of anything nice to say about your body?  Here are some reasons to appreciate and love yourself:

• Think of your body as having ears because it is a part of your subconscious mind. By projecting negative thoughts on to your body, you are actually reinforcing the very root of your weight issue. The reason most people gain weight is because they fill themselves with food to make up for a lack of love. 
• Loving your body does not require you to be perfectly happy with every aspect of it. It simply means you are in rapport with your body, grateful for the amazing gift that it is, and appreciative for the many pleasures it offers. When you love your body you will feel good about who you are, and you’ll feel more attractive, all of which will help your inner light shine more brightly.
• Four years after cancer, and at 58 years old, my body is in its wrinkly, dimply, saggy stages and I am 100 percent content with it. I dress to flatter my assets and certain parts of my body will no longer be shown in public, but I am not depressed about that. I am just glad to be here. I would say thata surprising benefit to cancer is the release from body hatred.  I just don’t think about it anymore.
• Consider all that your body has done for you in the past and the present, and all that you are hoping it will provide for your future. Loving your body involves more than “how you look” and whether you should lose a few pounds. 
• When you’re critical and judgmental about your body, it can easily attract other negativity into your life, including negative people.These interactions cause negative emotions which release chemicals into our bodies that often lead to illness. The good news is that the opposite is also true! The more you accept and love your body, the more you’ll tend to create a positive environment. Positive emotions are wonderful for us both physically and emotionally.

Read the full post from the experts at YourTango.com.

One year ago, Thick Dumpling Skin was born. 

Can’t believe the year went by so fast! We hope to keep growing, learning, and healing together. Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed and shared to make this site what it is!

Love, 
Lisa and Lynn

If you heard us on APEX Express (click here to listen), you might recall Lisa talking about our upcoming partnership with NEDA. 

So here’s one simple, easy way for all of us to get involved, raise awareness, and join the discussion:

We’re doing a call for a SPECIAL set of submissions for NEDAwareness Week, which is happening between February 26th to March 3rd, 2012. 

This year’s theme is “Everybody knows Somebody.” So we’d love to see you share something with that someone.

Easy enough.

This person could be yourself, a friend, or even a stranger. You can write a letter, conjure up a haiku, or even scribble a picture. We want anything you can come up with that will give that one person encouragement and hope! 

Need some inspiration? Check out PostSecret, or dig up your diary. We all wrote to ourselves at one point in time! Oh and here are some guidelines on how to share responsibly and tips on talking to friends.

Once these submissions start to come in, we’ll be putting them up day by day during the NEDAwareness Week.

It’ll be grand. There, I said grand.

Again, anything you can think of, shoot it our way. We’ll be taking submissions up until the very last day. 

- Lisa & Lynn

Since we’re partnering up with NEDA, both NEDA and us reserve the right to use any of the submissions at our discretion. Your submission constitutes to irrevocably release the right of your submission for unrestricted use. Photos that include images of minors must include a parental release/signature.

Look ma! We’ll be on da radio!

The two of us will be in the studio with APEX Express tonight, 7 pm - 8 pm PST on KPFA 94.1 FM, talking about Thick Dumpling Skin (turning one in just a few days) and body image. 

Radio with an API point of view. We can dig it.

Tune in, because it looks like it’ll be a really solid show featuring the following guests: 

• Jenny Ton and Julia Rhee, co-founders of Retrofit Republic (one of our favorites), a sustainable, vintage retailer with a the intent to challenge, and expand concepts in the fashion industry, and style culture.
• Personal trainer, Long Vo, and poet, Lorenz Mazon Damuk, to address the often overlooked struggles men experience when they look in the mirror.

Check out this powerful vid:

Lorenz Mazon Damuk; “Fat” from DE BUG on Vimeo.

Get more information here and tune in tonight!

- Lisa & Lynn

Sui reached out to us a while back and asked me and Lynn to contribute to Kindness Sprouts: a collaborative book of kindness + self care. All proceeds from this book go directly to Sprout Yoga, a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping those who are healing from eating disorders by providing them with free yoga.

Sui asked all contributors two questions: 

What’s your favorite way to care for yourself? 

How do you show yourself kindness?

Simple, but hard questions to answer! You can read ours in the book. But more importantly, what are your answers? Share them with us!

Read more about the book and purchase it by going here.

- Lisa